Sacrifice
by The Scarlet Rose
Summary: He says anything and everything he can to hurt me. He spits out curses and insults, criticizing my words, questioning my motives, my love for him...
1. Sacrifice

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

Warning: Mention of rape.

He says anything and everything he can to hurt me. He spits out curses and insults, criticizing my words, questioning my motives, my love for him. He says how much he hates me, how much he regrets meeting me, how much he wished I never existed.

I stand there; shocked. Amazed at how such a beautiful face, how such soflt lips that had whispered the sweetest endurements just hours before as he held me; are now marred with hatred.

He will scream at me, and push me away until I leave. Until I run in the path that he's soving me. I always bend to his will. Get out of your apartment? Sure. Get into your bed? No problem. Walk off that cliff. Gladly. I'll do anywhere if he desires it. I"ll do anything if it'll make him happy.

I'd die if it would make you love me.

But he doesn't understand that. The words keep coming, stinging an dleaving cuts and bruses and stabs on my soul.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks. His smile says triumphant... but his eyes show me his pain and regret.

Confused, I tear out of the apartment sobs racking my soul, chocking my throat. Tremors shaking my body, leaving me weak and unsteady.

He cannot love me. He cannot give himself to me. Cannot love me as much as he fears pain. Fears loss.

If you have nothing, you can loose nothing.

I clamp my eyes closed. I'm not even sure where I am. Something is rough and digging in my back, scrapping at the exposed skin on my legs.

"I love you." I say to no one at all

I love everything about you. I love your face, your touch, your body, your skin, your fingers. Your lips, your voice. Those amber eyes and even the hards words that you throw at me. God help me, I even love your pain.

I love everything and all of you. I want you, I crave you. I want, no, I **need** you. I can't live without you.

Please love me.

For I'd die without you.

He's taking me. This man who I don't know. He's holding my weak body against his, threatening me with breath that smelled of vodka and sake.

I can't fight him. I can't run from him. This man who is not my lover. He takes me. He rapes me.

The pain is unbelievable. It' snot Yuki. This isn't him. He shouldn't be touching me, his shouldn't be in those places left only for Yuki.

He will come for me. He will come for me. He will come for me.

Any moment now. Any second now. Any second. When I open my eyes, when I cry out. Just when I give up, Yuki will show up with those mocking eyes and accidently relieve all of my stresses.

Even though I can't scream for him. Even though I can't reach for him. He will come for me. He will claim me. He will make this stop.

... For I'd die without you...

He came for me. Far to late. That stranger, that taker had abandoned me long ago. Left me empty, stuck within my own mind. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank...

I wonder what my face looked like, when he saw me. I can't remember what I felt. Anger? Regret? Fear? Relief?

He came for me, came to me and picked me up in his arms.

What did his face look like? As he held me? As he carried me back to **his** apartment. Keeping discretly to the shadows. What words did he sat to me as he looked at me with those bright amber eyes.

What as that emtion behind them? Hatred? Disgust? Remorse? Guilt? Pity?

Love?

Your body does strange things when you aren't focusing on it. It can move in all sorts of ways, and easily follow the commands of a blonde who's voice I cannot hear.

Take your clothes off. They're instantly on the floor.Get in the shower. I'm standing under the spray. Dry off. Soon the towel is dripping wet. Lay down. I'm under the covers. Get some rest. I sleep.

Eat, drink, smile, be happy. Live. I could survive forever with no will of my own, doing only as he desired.

I'm asked countless questions by countless different people. I don't know what my answers were. Much less how I managed to talk. When your mind leaves your body, it has a funny way of forgetting things.

He stood in the corner of the room the entire time. As different doctors and police officers come in... one taking sketches and statements, the other taking samples of I don't even want to know what.

I just lay there, like I did earler. I close my eyes and wait for it all to go away. Wait for the pain to end. Wait for the noise to end. I wait for him to come to me and make everything alright.

He will come for me. He will come for me. He will come--.

There's a weight on the edge of the bed. He's near me. Sighing. For the first time in forever, I think he doesn't have anything to say.

I can't say anything. I can't speak. He's looking at me with those amber eyes, conflicting emotions behind them. I can feel his pain. His regret. I can see his hurt and guilt. I can remember all of his vicious memories being forced to the surface.

He's asking me all these questions in a gentle voice. Am I okay? What happened? Am I in pain? Cold?

But what he really wants to ask is: 'Do you hate me now?'

I tell him no, and through some convincing, he slides into bed next to me.

He cannot love me. He cannot love me. He is far to frail and too weak to. You coul dnever tell by looking at him. By seeing his cool demenor. His 3,000 dollar suits. Expensive colognes masking his musky scent and traces of his cigarettes. You'd never know how weak he is.

How much he's breaking because of this. He feels it's his fault. He feels it's his words that caused this. His rejection. His shoving and his pushing that had caused me to leave. His words that had stung and burned that had sent me into that man's arms.

It was him that had caused me to be raped.

I don't regret it. Not at all. I'd give anything for these tender moments. I'm not sharing with my love. I'd throw it all away, my friends, family, music, I'd give it all up just to be in his arms. Just to be near him.

I'd give my soul away if I could just touch him.

I'm crying. I don't know why. There are sobs choking up out of my soul and racking through my empty body.

Love me. Please love me. Be with me. Feel what I feel. Have your heart feel mine. Know this feeling. Understand this craving for you eyes, your lips, you body. Want me the same way. Yuki please... just love me.

He's holding me, offering words of undiluted concern and warmth. Telling me that he's here and that everything is alright. He's attempting to wipe away the tears that are rolling down my face.

God, I love you so much, please just love me. Tell me you love me.

"I love you." He says, crushing our lips together, swallowing my sobs.

...For I'd die without you...

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A.N. This is jut kind of something I cooked up during one of my insomniac nights. I toyed with it in my head for a bit, and finally sat down during class and wrote it.


	2. Requiem

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

He looks like a corpse as he sleeps. Not moving, barely breathing. Pale skin and a shallow pulse.

I'm not sure how long I've been watching him, hours. Days. It feels as if I haven't moved from this spot, this single chair at my bedside years. Time seems to move differently as of late. Sometimes it speeds up and everything happens so fast, so suddenly that I cannot controll it. I cannot help but be washed away by the swiftness of the chaos.

And at other times, the hours move by slowly. When I sit and wait and hope for it all to be over, for his pain and fear to end, nothing happens. The world simply stands still, and he's stuck there, clinging onto me like a lost child. Dead eyed and empty souled.

I'm praying for him. I haven't done that in years. As I sit in this wooden chair next to my bed, I pray, gently shifting my prayer beads in my hands. I haven't prayed to the Buddah in ages. Not since I left my fathers temple. Not since I was made to spend hours on my knees in front of that fat bronze statue.

But now I sit here, eyes closed and head held down, praying as if in the middle of pure requiem.

My father would be so proud.

I open my eyes. Nothing has happened. I didn't really expect it to. I was never much for religion. But finding that I could do nothing else besides pray, I sat and did so, for countless hours.

He's awake now, looking off into no where. If I call to him, he won't answer. He hasn't for quite sometime now. His violet eyes go blank more and more.

And my heart aches everytime I see it.

It was my fault. My fault my lover was injured. That he was raped. That he was taken against his will and made to feel the same violations that turned me into the cold bastard that I am now.

I close my eyes, unable to face him.

It was my fault. I know that. I'll always know that. That single all encompassing thought will never leave my mind. It was my pushing. My proding. My hatred and harsh words and cruel hands that led him to this point. To this breaking of his spirit.

I've always taken advantage of him. Of the fact that he's willing to do everything I say without a second thought. That he's willing to love me no matter what. Regardless of how much of a bastard I am to him. Regardless of how much I curse and swear at him, of how much I hit and punch him. How many scrapes and bruises I leave on his heart and soul, he always comes back. He always continues to love me.

The beads shift in my hands, and I continue to pray.

I can't love him. I can't bring myself to love him as much as he loves me. I can't bring myself to overcome my fear so as to love him. I can't bring myself to let myself love him and be loved in return.

And so I push him away. I push Shuichi until he'll run in whatever direction I'm shoving him. And before I know it, I've done the same thing Yuki Kitazawa did to me. I'm turning him into the same heartless bastard that I am.

And yet, I still need him. I still wake up and look for my pink haired baka, who's always willing to take on the next barrage of insults and curses. Who's willing to bear the darkness inside of me so that I don't have to.

So that now I find myself praying that he doesn't change. That when I open my eyes, he's still the same baka as always. Still foolish and obnoixious. Still doing the same crazy and half thought out actions that end up getting him into more trouble than it's worth. The same baka who'll sit for hours by my computer desk, waiting for a single 'good night' kiss. The same one who'll hug me and hold me even though I refuse to do the same for him.

The same one who is my sacrifice. The sacrifice to all things dark and painful inside of me.

Please Shuichi, be alright. Just snap out of everything and be alright. When I glare at you, when I smirk at you, when I hit or punch you, when I reach for you please just be the same Shuichi you've always been. Because I can't take going back into the darkness without you.

Please, just continue to love me.

For I'd die without you.

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A.N. This chapter was a little bit harder to write than Sacrifice was. It didn't seem to flow as easily. The title of this chapter was probably what took the longest, and so I just ended up seaching through my thesaurus until I could find something similar to mourning. Hope you liked, and I'll see you in the third chapter!!


	3. Rectify

Dislcaimer: Nope, these characters are not mine. They all belong to Maki Murakami, who needs to get off her lazy behind and put out the second volume of Genzo... or Gravitation Ex as it's called in America.

I exhail. I open my eyes. Shuichi is there, in the same position I left him in, looking at me. His hands fiddle with the covers, and his eyes meet mine.

For the first time since that day, he's looking at me. Not through me. Not behind me. Not around me or just not even seeing me. But he's looking at me, with his pale, expressionless face.

I want to love him. I do. I want more than anything to throw my arms around him and kiss him. To make love to him so loudly that the neighbors complain. To give him chocolates and cheesy poetry. To have his name on the dedication pages in my novels, and admit that almost all of the lovers in my stories are based off of us.

I want to let him embrace me. To let him heal me. To let him make everything alright with me. To allow Shuichi to free me from all of my sorrows and miseries and to finally push the last shards of betrayl and the name Yuki Kitazawa out of my mind.

But, I can't. I can't allow my heart to open up that much. I can't allow myself to finally give in and relax and let down my safe guards against hurt, because a part of me feels like this can't be real.

Even as I star at him now, that pain of the hardwood chair digging into my thighs and the pain of Shuichi's violet eyes meeting mine, I can't believe this is real. I can't believe that God or Buddah or whoever's up there is gracious enough to send a heartless, souless bastard like me a gift this grand.

A person who's willing to love me more than anything, wanting nothing in return. A person who lives just to see me happy. Who'll let me treat him like crap and hit him for no reason so long as he's the one I come home to at night.

Part of me still thinks that this is somehow Kitazawa's vengence from beyond the grave. That just when I let my guard down, I'll be betrayed again, the rug will be pulled out from under me and I'll plung back into the darkness. Into the cycle of lonliness, torment, pain sex and agony.

He hasn't said a word this entire time. He just looks at me, blank eyed and no emotion. No tears, no sadness, no joy. I feel as if I should go back inot requiem, for his spirit is dead.

"Do you..." I begin, speaking before I even realize what I'm saying.

Shuichi sat up, still blanly staring at me.

"Do you... hate me now?"

He asks me without meeting my eyes. I think he's too afraid of what he might find in them.

Do I hate you, Eiri Yuki? No. I could never hate you. I love you far too much to ever allow any other emotion to fill my heart. Do I hate you? How can you even ask me that? After all, you did come for me...

...Far to late. I came for him far too late. I came to recue him after he didn't need rescuing. After he'd been taken and hurt. How could he still love me? How can I ask you, to still love me? But, more than anything, God, Buddah, whoever, please, just let him still love me. I want him to sat that I still...

... Love you. More than anything in this world. I cna't say that though. His fragile heart couldn't take it. Couldn't take that emotion. He'd shatter and fall into a million pieces because of me...

...He's broken. He's breaking. His once carefree laughter is gone and all that's left is sadness. I touch him, and all is turned to sand, slipping away. He can't love me now, that's too much to ask.

"Do you?"

He asks again.

What I can I say to him? What can I tell him? To convince him? To say that this isn't right and that eveyrthing this is alright and I still care. To tell him that I still love him. If only I knew which lyric to write...

...Which story to tell...

...Which note to sing...

To make you happy.

I'd sing forever and ever without ceasing. My song woul dbe as never ending as the sky. I want to console his worries and rectify all our problems.

But I can't speak.

He doesn't say anything. Only sits there, staring.

I couldn't form the right words. The right notes or key. So I did whatever I normally do when I can't speak. I acted.

He's kissing me. Gently and shyly. It's almost cute. He's kissing me, telling me with his body what he can't say with his mouth. My heart fills with infinte relief. He loves me.

I love him. This man named Eiri Yuki.

I love him, this man named Shuichi Shindo.

Our lips part, and he's left looking at me with almost hazy eyes.

"I love you." I speak gently, finally, to his ears.

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A.N. Final chappy! No more to this story. I feel kind of happy with this ending, and at the same time, I don't. I want to continue, but I don't want to be responsible for ruining this, so hey, if you want to continue it, go for it. Send it to me and if I like it, I'll add it on. But I hope the thought-switiching wasn't too confusing. I hope it didn't throw you off, but I think it worked rather well. But anyways, thanks for reading!!!


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